Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Source of my Heart Ache

Quote of the day: “So. Now it ends.” ~The Kurgan, Highlander

Song of the day: “Princes of the Universe” by Queen

State of mind: Actually, pretty happy.

Date: 9/20/07 Two days of Summer left!

I am going to do you all a big favor and save you two hours. Two hours that the Grim Reaper will not let you have back. Although, if he had seen this movie he might be more understanding and willing to bargain. What am I talking about? Highlander: The Source. It’s airing tonight on the Sci Fi Channel. Its debut was on Sunday. In eager anticipation for more adventures of the Highland Immortal, I watched.
* Just in case some of you choose not to heed my advice and want to watch this anyhow, beware there are spoilers in this post.*
If anyone is at all familiar with the franchise you would know this: the first movie rocked, the TV series started to during the second season and made it to the 5th before reverting to a complete waste of time but the three movies that had been made since then are mostly denied by the fandom. For some reason, the folks that own the rights to the Highlander universe love screwing with the cannon and with the fans whenever they decide to make a movie. Highlander 2? Crap. The director’s cut is slightly less smelly crap, but still. Avoid if you can. Highlander 3? There is no such thing. I refuse to acknowledge its existence. Endgame? Marginally better. At least it seems they tried to recapture the feel of the first movie. However, they screw it up in the end. But this last movie- The Source- had been in the works for quite a while and the fans had started to hope that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t completely blow. Adrian Paul had been calling for more creative control and Peter Wingfield, who plays the enigmatic 5000-year-old immortal Methos was back and would be featured more prominently in this story. All signs pointed to a good movie. Maybe even a decent story. Or at the least a good time to be had by all.
Then I saw it.
No.
Uh-uh.
Nyet.
Nope.
It was so horrible, I wanted to cry. I still do. I’m working on a revenge scenario that won’t get me arrested. Maybe organizing all the fans to send in their ideas of what the movie should have been? Piles of scripts by amateurs would still be geometrically better than what we got.
It opens with a narration. It has to, I suppose, to explain some of the history to anyone that isn’t familiar with the story thus far. Then it gets into some mindless action and reveals a post apocalyptic setting in an un-named European city. Why it’s post apocalyptic they don’t bother to say. Oh, and there are roving cannibals too. I have no idea why. It turns out Duncan has a wife who left him because she wants children and Immortals can’t have any. That fact is brought up in the narration and in a flashback. Gee, think it’s important? Well, Duncan’s wife also has visions of a mythical thing called The Source, which is rumored to be the source (get it?) of all Immortals powers. She decides to follow the visions at the same time as Methos, Reggie, and Giavonni recognize the signs of The Source and go a questing for it as well. Wonder what the signs are? Big giant planets twice the size of the moon aligning to point straight at the location on Earth. That raises a few questions. Like, where did those planets come from? And why aren’t they pulling the Earth apart with their gravity when they suddenly appear in our upper freaking atmosphere? And if The Source is trying so hard to stay hidden, why would it use giant planets to POINT RIGHT AT IT?
Traveling happens, (in a BMW), fights break out, cannibals are defeated, and Methos gets a few good lines- the only ones in the movie. As they get closer to The Source, (that any idiot should be able to find thanks to the stellar graphics of the universe) a “Guardian” that looks to be a cross between Road Runner and a Smurf wearing a costume stolen from a Hard Rock Café’s display of Mad Max memorabilia chases them down with the lamest movie bad guy quotes on this planet or all the new ones in our orbit. In one scene, The Guardian breaks Duncan’s sword (Shock! Horror!) then kills Joe with the broken blade. (Gasp! Noooooooooooooo!) And as he stands victorious, he calls back to the stunned witnesses, “You’ve been a great audience. Goodnight!”
Seriously.
That was his line.
A 10,000-year-old mystical Guardian of the ultimate power that can sway the whole freaking galaxy to lining up for it’s arrival and THAT is how he talks.
After some more traveling and cannibals, they finally reach The Source. I don’t think I’m giving anything away when I say that Duncan is the sole immortal left to battle the Guardian for access to The Source, but the fight scene is so moronic I won’t even bother to describe it. Let me just say it is dizzying in its stupidity. And that leaves Duncan. Duncan and The Source. Duncan, The Source, and his wife who left him because he can’t have children and then ended up being the women with visions that lead them to The Source, (because Immortals are too stupid to LOOK UP). Guess what The Source gives Immortals? Yep. It bestows the ability to have children on the one that makes it past The Guardian. Why that makes it The Source, I have no idea. The Source of alimony? The Source of late night feedings? 10,000 freaking years so one Immortal can get lucky? Are you kidding me!?!?
And if that wasn’t enough, just before he wins this prize (but not The Prize. Or is it? Is Duncan mortal now? Is The Game over with? Is the child The Prize? Is the child now The Source?) Ana retells the tale of the entire movie in another narration. Because obviously the audience is too stupid to recall what just happened. After two hours, all I was is confused, annoyed, and disheartened.
In short, don’t waste your time watching this movie. I’m even sorry for wasting your time describing it to you.

Show quote of the day:
"I've been alive for four and a half centuries, and I cannot die."
"Well, everyone has got their problems."

6 comments:

wa11z said...

Don't worry about me. I won't watch. Just reading your brief synopsis made me cringe. Ugh. Anyway, you've been a great audience. Goodnight!

trinamick said...

Thank you for freeing up two hours on my DVR. I was all set to tape it tonight. Guess I'll just watch Family Guy and Just Shoot Me instead.

NYPinTA said...

Well, if all you have as an alternative is Just Shoot Me....

Like a dork I forgot to put up a spoiler warning for those who want to watch it. Sorry if I ruined (an already ruined piece of crap) for anyone. :(

LL said...

Crap... well... there goes all of my hopes and dreams regarding the movie. I hope you're happy PinTA!

Although the fact that it brought you to tears does redeem it just a little bit. ;P

trinamick said...

"Well, if all you have as an alternative is Just Shoot Me.... "

Well, it's my only dose of Enrico Colantoni, now that my beloved Veronica Mars is no more.

fermicat said...

Thanks for saving me two hours of pain and aggravation. I've endured quite enough of that watching football today. No need to pile on (pun intended).

So it was shown on the SciFi Channel, and it sucked? That is so shocking, because their movies are usually so good. :rolleyes: If only MST3K was still around... maybe it would be worth watching that way.