Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Vicious Circles

Quote of the day: “Life is what happens while your making other plans.” ~ John Lennon (an oldie but a goodie.)

Song of the day: “Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls

State of mind: round and round

Date: 8/29/07

Warning: ranty, mopey, not fun. Enjoy!

I think I’m trying to get fired. I must be. Why else would I keep making the same stupid mistake over and over? I know there is going to be a situation. I know I should open my damn mouth. I start to think about it and in my head hear at least 10 different ways the situation should not have even gotten as far as my desk (despite the fact that it didn’t really have anything to do with me...) and I take a ‘wait and see if it’ll work out without having to say anything’ approach- which never ever works.
I hated today. I woke up thinking it was Thursday. I really would have liked to have skipped today, but alas, no. What happened was this: dumb paperwork that won’t matter in 7 years. I know there is a saying about things not mattering in 100 years. My job is so freaking useless I don’t have to wait that long.
Now here is the thing. Why do I keep making the same mistake time after time? Why do I keep thinking of all the ways any situation is probably my fault and trying to hide said things and fix them on the QT? (What the hell does QT mean anyhow? Quiet Time? Quagmire Tundra? Quantifiable Tidbit?) Well. I think I know.
At first I thought it was one thing. It fit. I had all the classic signs. I went to have it checked out. (It’s not a tumor.) I don’t think it’s it anymore. But while I was there the person doing the checking mentioned something after I mentioned something. (Loving the vagueness, aren’t you? Yeah. It’s a gift.) And this is what it is: I’m the Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
I mentioned it before. Once. Briefly. But honestly, it’s kind of huge. Now, this ‘discovery’ is a bit like Newton and gravity. It has always been there, it just took an apple falling on my head- or in this case my life falling on my head- for me to go, “Eureka!” ...Wait. Newton didn’t say “Eureka!” did he? That was Archimedes. Actually, I didn’t say “Eureka!” either. What I said was, “oh.”

Here are the classic signs of an ACOA: (Look! I’m a acronym... again... sorta.)

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. (True)
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. (Yep.)
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. (Sorta. See below.)
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. (Yep. And I’m a picky Virgo! Thrice damned!)
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. (Define fun?)
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. (Again: yep.)
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. (Yeah...)
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control. (Well, this one not so much. I tend to go with the flow.)
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. (Sometimes. Other times I could give a rats ass what someone else thinks. Only not so much lately.)
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people. (Well duh.)
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible. (I actually flip back and forth. However, isn’t taking care of one’s supposedly adult parents when they should be perfectly capable of taking care of themselves super responsible? I sometimes think it’s super irresponsible! I totally should have moved to Florida like my sister. Damn that women. Out played. Well done, sis. Well done.)
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. (I was once described as loyal. Felt like a golden retriever. Thanks, Henry.)
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. (Impulsive? Me? Hell yeah. And the locking themselves in thing? Completely true.)

So, those are the signs. But I don’t lie. (Much.) I just don’t tell the truth. Big difference. Ask any lawyer.
Anyway, after the realization hit I do what I usually do when confronted with a new situation or thing, I went to and bought some books. The one I am reading now is a bit like reading a biography, only my name isn’t in it. And it’s been able to predict some of the things I’ve been thinking since I got the damn book. I’m feeling a little bit like Sebastian in The Never Ending Story only I don’t think I’m going to get to ride a Luck Dragon at the end of this little adventure. (And yes, I do feel cheated.) Right in the book it says that one of the first things an ACOA wants to do when said ACOA figures it out is they want to tell everyone else in the family. Try and save the siblings! And you know the damn thing about that is? Halfway through the first chapter I was already thinking of sending a copy to my sister. Kind of freaky!
But I have no idea what I’m going to do now. Because right after I thought about sending the book to my sister because, ‘obviously it’s a life saver! It has answers! Blah blah blah’, I started thinking, ‘yeah, but so what? I mean, this is too easy. Life sucks so let’s find something or someone else to blame it on?!’
That last thought? Chapter two. This book has some serious mojo. Maybe it's been written on psychic paper and I'm just seeing what I want to see?
So I don’t know what to do. It’s obvious that there is a problem. The thing of it is that now that I know what it is, I’m pretty much on the hook for fixing it. No more living in blissful ignorance! Fuck.
In the mean time, what do I do about work? And the rest of my life? Hate my job. Want something new. Can’t quit. Need to pay the rent. Can’t do something new. No marketable skills. Could get marketable skills. Need time to do that. Don’t have time. I’ve got a job. But I hate my job.
Dizzying, isn’t it?

Show quote of the day:
"How did this happen?"
"How does anything happen? Suddenly. Before you know it."


John said...

My mom's still trying to rent out the apartment next door. You could always relocate to the 781. That's what we call our neighborhood. Actually, just one guy does that and he's weird and smells funny.

ctheokas said...

Did your guidance counselor ask you that question, if you were a billionaire, and you never had to work again, what would you do with your time? It might be a cliche question, but it is a good one. Because once I figured that out, I started taking steps to do it.

And sometimes you can blame the troubles in your life on someone else, because sometimes it's someone else's fault.

Sounds like you're on the right track, though. You need to holler at someone, you can PM me at SFSD.

fermicat said...

You've got a lot on your shoulders. Since you like books, you might want to read something like What Color Is My Parachute? if you haven't already. Best yet, it is very likely that your library has a copy, so you don't necessarily need to buy it. It has helped a lot of people figure out what they want to do for a living.

NYPinTA said...

Yes John, I want to live near the wierd smelly guy. Thanks. ;)

ctheokas, our High School was run by morons. One of them even set me on fire. That was a good day. So no, I've never been asked that question. What would I do with my time? Hmm. Blog? Buy a ticket into space? I'll have to get back to you on that one. But it's a good question.

fermi, I've heard of that book. I think it's on my Wish List. I think I need to bump that up in priority.

But can't I just re-name that stupid Empress instead??

LL said...

I was going to give you some advice, but it looks like you've got it all covered now. ;)